Life after baby

The things your mama (or any wiseman) does not tell you after having a baby:

1. You will smell. That's right, some strange odor will come from every pore in your body. No shower or perfume will make it go away.

2. On top of smelling, you will not be able to shower everyday. And if you have little ones, when you finally get a chance to shower, you will be not be alone. No, your husband does not want to shower with you because he is in fear that any contact with you, even sharing water, may knock you up again. It will be your sweet children, and they will be commenting on your beautiful body. And children don't always know the appropriate comments for their mommy!!!

3. Your body will never be the same. Somehow, your boobs will be within a few inches from your bellybutton. Your hiney and legs become one big blah! And the little tummy you always hated, will become a fond, distant memory. You will not be a muffin top, more like a bunt cake top. Muffins are cute and scrupmtios- your body will be far from cute.

4. Do not go to a comedy club, out for a run, or do jumping jacks without proper protection. Enough said.

5. People will still be "mouth drunk" (as Erin and I call it) after the baby is born. The comments will become stupider and more bold. My favorite- "you look great for having five kids." So, if I didn't have five kids, would I look like shit? Or even just one, how would I look then? I wish I could come up with some smart alec comment, but I am too big of a wuss!!!

6. Aside from waking at all hours of the night to feed and change a fussy baby, you will also wake in fear that the baby is not breathing. You will live in fear day and night and your stress level will be off the charts. Even if your baby is perfectly healthy, don't expect to sleep at all!!!

7. Somehow, someway, your heart will grow bigger everyday. Just when you think you can't love your babies anymore than you do, you will wake each morning loving them all a little more.